Should a man be forced to become a father and pay child support, even though
he says he doesn’t want to be a Dad? If a woman finds herself pregnant and
wants an abortion, but the father desires to keep and raise the child himself,
should a woman be forced to carry the child to term? What would make such a
situation fair and equitable for both parties?
The desire to have a voice in the decision of whether or not a child is
born, and whether an unwilling father can be forced to support the child is at
the forefront of debate amongst African Americans. With an estimated 50-60% of
the Black children in the U.S. residing in [single parent homes] (http://www.familyfacts.org/charts/171/one-in-two-african-american-children-lives-in-a-single-parent-home),
the issues surrounding the rights and obligations of both parents to their
unborn offspring is an important one. Emotions run high on both sides of the
“right to choose” argument.
Men Are Angry: Why Should Women Have All The Power and Control?
Some men feel they are powerless in cases of unwanted pregnancy, and that
women have all the control. From their perspective, women have exclusive power
to decide if there is going to be a baby or not, which means if he becomes a
father that it’s all HER fault. Most of these men believe that if a man doesn’t
want to become a father and the woman he impregnated decides to keep the child,
she should be obligated to raise the baby with no financial assistance from
either him or the government.
On the other side of the fence are men that point to the power that women
have to abort their child, even in the face of his stated desire to keep and
raise his child.
Men and women who support financial abortions believe that there should be
equality in the birthing process. They feel that a father should have an
opportunity equal to that of a mother to choose to walk away from any
obligations or responsibilities to a child that the father does not want, in
spite of the decision the mother might make to keep the baby anyway.
Yvette Carnell Says: In our society women have the right to choose and
men do not
In spite of this author’s proclamations to the contrary, the reality is that
men have a great deal of power and as many if not more choices than women do.
Men have the choice of sleeping with a woman or not, and the choice of using a
condom or not. Therefore, men have the ultimate and exclusive right to choose.
In her recent article on this site, Ms. Carnell also stated: “I’ve always
believed that the dividing up of reproductive rights, and by that I mean men
having none, is the main reason that some men feel no responsibility toward
their kids. In their minds, the mother chose – on her own, usually without or
against his input – to have the child so she bears the sole responsibility of
caring for it.”
This statement is curious to me. There has yet to be a child born on the
planet (even those produced in a laboratory environment), created without
spermatozoa from a male and a fertile ovum from a female. With that fact in
mind, it is utterly impossible for a woman to “choose on her own, without or
against his input… to have a child.”
Before a child can be conceived, some man somewhere chose to supply the
requisite sperm to effect conception.
Though a man may feel resentment at being forced to take on the adult
responsibilities of fathering a child after performing an adult sexual act for
pleasure, I believe the two go hand in hand.
Don’t do the crime if you aren’t prepared to do the time.
Birds and the Bees 101: How Children Are Created
Perhaps we should have a short refresher course, addressing the sequence of
biological events which create a child. Though I learned these facts at six
years of age, it appears there are thousands of Black adults that don’t
understand the basic science of human reproduction.
Men have testicles which produce sperm; that sperm is transported through
the vas deferens tubes into the urethra of the penis. Sperm is mixed
with seminal fluid, produced by the prostate gland. The urethra opens at the
tip of the penis, and is the exit pathway through which the sperm and seminal
fluid are jettisoned into the woman’s body. When a man is sexually excited for
a long period of time, he will inevitably excrete sperm-laden seminal fluid
even before he begins the sex act, orgasms and ejaculates.
Women have ovaries which produce millions of tiny ovum, or eggs. The ovaries
are connected to a woman’s uterus via the fallopian tubes. The vagina is the
entry way to the woman’s body and her uterus. Every month a woman releases one
or more eggs from her ovaries, which travel down the fallopian tubes and lodge
in the lining of the uterus. This process is called ovulation. Now, left alone,
these unfertilized eggs wash out as part of a woman’s monthly menstrual cycle.
However, if a man has sex with a fertile, ovulating woman and her egg is
fertilized by one of the millions of sperm excreted with every ejaculation a
man has into her vagina, the woman may become pregnant. Once that sperm swims
up into her uterus and hits pay dirt, the sperm donor is pretty much guaranteed
to be looking into his child’s face nine months later. Unless the woman he
impregnates has a miscarriage, the sex he so thoroughly enjoyed is going to
make him somebody’s Daddy.
So when a guy says “I’m not ready to be a father!” or “I didn’t want a
baby,” we must negate his assertions with a reality check by saying YES YOU
DID! Why? Because even though your mouth is saying you didn’t want to be a
father, sir, your behavior clearly shows otherwise. You did the one
thing Mother Nature designed men and women do to create new life… which is
having sex. You did what it takes for a child to get here, so obviously some
part of you wanted to be a father.
Furthermore, when a man has sex with a woman, whether she is on birth
control or not and whether he uses protection or not - once he ejaculates he
transfers his sperm to her body. Since possession is 9/10ths of the law, that
transference of property means that she now owns that sperm, and is free to do
whatever she pleases with it. Any man that does not want to assume the risk and
responsibility of the child that could be borne of the sex act should avoid
transferring his sperm to a woman, as set out above.
The Responsibilities and Risks of Sex
Let me give you an analogy of the risks of sex. Let’s say one night you were
feeling pretty good so you took a walk on the train tracks. Now everyone has
told you it’s dangerous to walk on the train tracks, and that lots of men have
been hit by trains by doing so. But you decide to take a chance and walk on the
tracks anyway because you’re special.
And later, when you are lying in the hospital broken and bandaged, you tell
everyone that you didn’t want to get hit by a train. Sure, you heard a train
coming, but you didn’t think it was really going to HIT YOU! Okay, you may say
that you didn’t want to get hit by a train, but your BEHAVIOR shows that you
did. You wanted to be hit by the train. You knew the train had hit lots of
other folks but you walked on the tracks anyway. If you didn’t want to get hit
by a train, why would you have been walking on the train tracks instead of on
the road where it was safe?
Walking on the train tracks was a risk you were willing to take in spite of
warnings. These are the same risks you assume when you lay down with a fertile
woman of child bearing age and you have sex with her. See, when you were busy
hitting on her and getting her number, grinning in her face, driving over to
her house, and then pulling off your clothes to get in her bed and have sex,
you weren’t thinking about 18 years of child support then!
You weren’t thinking
about someone with your genetic lineage running around the planet looking like
you but living without you. You weren’t thinking about anything but the booty
you were going to get.
Then you want to get an attitude and say she should have kept her legs
closed. No fool! You should have kept your dipper behind the zipper. If you
keep your sperm away from any eggs, you will never, ever have this problem and
the issue of financial abortion will never be one that you have to discuss.
I don’t care how many condoms you use or how much birth control she claims
she is taking or how many claims of tubal ligations or infertility she makes.
Bottom line is sex is how babies are made. Sex is what will get you on the hook
for child support. Sex will get you hit by the baby train.
Decision Making Equality Will Not and Cannot Exist
Though some men believe an economic abortion places them on a par with the
termination of a pregnancy, in reality, there can be no equality in these two
issues. The physical act of aborting a fetus is in no way comparable to a
financial abortion. When a woman aborts a pregnancy, the potential life of that
fetus comes to an end. Once she leaves her doctor’s office, there is no child
to worry about feeding, clothing, and caring for the next 18 years. On the
other hand, when a male decides that a financial abortion is his best option,
he leaves behind a child who must still be loved, sheltered and cared for.
Men that desire a financial abortion believe that the mother of the child
should and will assume all responsibility to meet his child’s needs. However,
if she is unwilling or unable to do so by herself (due to her health or
financial reasons), and needs support, responsibility transfers to a third
party - someone who had no involvement in the fun of creating the child.
Black men seeking financial abortions proclaim loudly that it is not their
fault if the woman is pregnant and “she should have kept her legs closed” or
“she should have made me use a condom!” They believe it is not their fault if
she decides to birth the child they created inside her body. They also believe
it is not their responsibility to take care of the child, be involved with the
child, help raise the child, nothing.
But is this battle for who is responsible fair to the child?
The Realities of Child Support
Many fathers refuse to pay child support, using the excuse that “their
money” is used by “that woman” (the mother) for irrelevant things which do not
pertain to the child. It amazes me that they are so petty, silly and ignorant
of the true costs of raising a child. If these men were required to pay half or
more of the true cost of raising that child, most would be poverty stricken.
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture 2010 estimates “the lifetime
cost of raising a child is now well over $200,000 -- and that doesn't even include
the cost of a college education.” Even if a father is paying $600 a month in
child support (which most do not), and paying it each and every month on
schedule, he is still only covering half of the estimated non-inflationary
financial costs to raise that child, and not a dime of the sweat equity.
This figure also varies considerably depending upon the region of the
country the child resides in. In major metropolitan areas like the San
Francisco Bay Area, Los Angeles and New York, daycare costs for young children
are more than $1200 per month; we’re not even talking about the costs of food,
diapers, clothing, medical care and housing for the child.
Some fathers insist they should have the right to closely monitor where
their child support goes, forcing the mother to provide receipts for each cash
expenditure. The only way you can get receipts fellas, is to take custody of
your child. Not everything can be quantified or monitored. Raising children is
not just about food and diapers.
What about the roof over the child’s head that must be provided? The
electricity, gas and water used to take care of the child? Sleepless nights and
missed work days caring for sick children? Field trips, lunch money, school
supplies? Gifts for friends having a birthday party? After school care for
school aged children so Mom can finish her work day? Computers and toner and
educational software programs? Haircuts ("what ever" - Raahwban), socks, shoes and clothes? Health
insurance? Doctor visit copayments, eyeglasses, dental cleanings and braces? Fees
for school? Varsity jackets, school rings, jock straps, prom dresses, and
driving lessons? Basketball or soccer equipment and uniforms? Music, art or
dance lessons? How about tutors? All of those things need to be paid for and
child support is just a drop in the bucket unless you are Puffy or somebody.
Your average Brotha ain’t ballin’ like that.
Protecting Your Wallet is Your Responsibility
Stop complaining that you have no power or control, because you have 100% of
the power and control. No woman can have your baby without your consent and
participation. Therefore, protecting yourself from paternity claims and child
support payments is solely your responsibility. This is all on you.
So, if you don’t want to have a baby with a woman that you want to call
crazy, ugly, stupid, trifling, or a skank – the wise choice would be for you
not to sleep with her. Keeping it in perspective, every woman you lay up with
should be looked at as the potential mother of your child.
Condom use is unfortunately not widely popular amongst Black men. If you
make the choice to go up in her bare, or to take the condom off because it
doesn’t feel the same, or to put the condom on only AFTER you got a little
taste of what it was like bare, or you don’t want to use a condom because you
think she’s cool and hasn’t slept around much, or because she said she can’t
get pregnant or is on birth control pills, remember that’s still your choice.
All these weak excuses you guys have for not taking responsibility for your
sperm is ridiculous.
The manifestation of responsibility resides in the consciousness of a man
to use condoms and practice the ancient art of keeping one’s organ in his
trousers to avoid unwanted pregnancies in the future and in the first place.
- [Krusher Kronkite] http://thefreshxpress.com/2010/07/financial-abortion-a-white-womans-answer-to-child-support/
Should Men Have the Power to Force an Abortion?
More states every year are passing laws requiring pregnant women to receive
pre-abortion counseling. Part of that counseling involves informing women of
available options to keep their child, which includes legal obligations of the
baby's father to pay child support. These laws were developed in response to
the results of [studies] (http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3711005.pdf)
which reported that the overwhelming number of women who get abortions do so
for social and economic rather than medical reasons.
The pro-lifer lobbyists
hope that by educating pregnant women about the legal and financial support
systems available to them and the unborn child, setting out in detail the
father's obligations to his child, they could impact the number of women that
opt for termination.
There may be great emotional and mental ramifications for her decision to
abort or keep the developing child; certainly such decisions are not made
easily. Religious beliefs, morals, or a belief that life begins at conception
would impact a woman’s willingness to seek an abortion. Most women agonize over
their possible choices, weighing each before deciding upon abortion as the best
solution. Or not.
If the woman you sleep with does get pregnant and decides to get an abortion
in spite of the fact that you don’t want her to, it’s really too bad. You have
no rights to force her to carry and deliver a baby that she doesn’t want to
have for whatever reason she doesn’t want to have it.
Remember, once you ejaculated the sperm into her body it became HER sperm;
thus, she can do whatever she wants with it because it’s hers now. You
transferred the sperm to her body and relinquished control of it. You
apparently didn’t want it anymore; otherwise you would have kept it to
yourself.
However, under the law the responsibilities that come from that sperm are definitely
going to be yours. Your DNA is associated with any child that comes from said
sperm, which means you have to pay. Since you transferred your sperm to her
body with full knowledge of the reproductive process, and you enjoyed every
moment of the sexual exchange with her body, be a big boy. Accept that you
wrote a check with your sperm that your ass now has to cash.
Black men must stop thinking that you can bounce from woman to woman with
impunity and no repercussions for their actions. Such thinking is extremely
immature and childish. If you are old enough to have sex you should be old
enough to handle yourself and your sperm responsibility.
Choose wisely who you select as the mother of your children. If the woman
you are considering sleeping with deemed unqualified to be the mother of any
baby you have, your best bet is to be smart… do not have sex with her.
Sex and Fatherhood Are Solely Your Choice
I believe the following quote from Roland C. Warren, President of the National Fatherhood
Initiative, eloquently states what Black men most need to hear.
“The notion of financial abortion is not empowering for men; rather, it's
degrading and insulting because it's based on the premise that men don't have
equal control or choices like women do when it comes to sex. It presumes that a
man is no different than a cocker spaniel -- just driven by urges and
instincts. But men have an equal choice. They can choose not to have sex.
Look, actions have consequences, and although a person can choose his
actions, he cannot choose the consequences of his actions. When it comes to
sex, one of the consequences can be a child. So if a guy wants to keep his
wallet closed, I suggest that he keep his zipper closed, too.”
SCRIPTURES
LAMENTATIONS 4: 3Even
the sea monsters draw out the breast, they give suck to their young ones: the
daughter of my people is become cruel, like the ostriches in the
wilderness.4The
tongue of the sucking child cleaveth to the roof of his mouth for thirst: the
young children ask bread, and no man breaketh it unto them.
DEUTERONOMY 28: 56The tender and
delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot
upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward
the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, 57And toward her young
one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she
shall bear: for she shall eat them for want of all things secretly in
the siege and straitness, wherewith thine enemy shall distress thee in thy
gates.
MATTHEW 12: 25And Jesus knew their
thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought
to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand:
MATTHEW 12: 29Or else how can one enter into a
strong man's house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man?
and then he will spoil his house.
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